The Great ex-SOLDIER
by Cloud Striffy
Summary: Cloud and Vincent do a bunch of random stuff..........that's about it! But it's very interesting so please R


The Great ex-SOLDIER *sequil to "The Great Employer"***stars mean thought**In a little house near Lucrica's waterfall, Vincent and Cloud were sitting around watching T.V. THe two bishonen had grown weak and fat because they stopped training after they saved the world.Vincent: (stands up suddenly, his blubber jiggling like a walrus) HEY! we would never do this! (Looks down at his large stomach)Cloud: (also stands up, jiggling like a lava lamp) Yeah! Why would this dumb author do this to us?Zack: (Flys down with angel wings and a halo) I am the one that will tell you what the author says! The author says to use minimise on yourselves and you'll be back to normal! (Flys away)Vincent: (Mickey glare) Now come on, author. Why don't you just tell us yourself and you know very well that I am Za- err I mean I am very mad that you're putting Zack into this, he hasen't done anything to you.Cloud: (shrugs) Let's fix our prablem! (minimises him and Vincent and they become all slim and mucsly like before) Aren't I smart?Vincent: **Cloud's so cute when he's dumb** yup you're the smartest man I've ever seen.Cloud: Whatdya mean, "seen"??? I bet you "saw" this Zack person too.Vinecnt: Author, tell Cloud I never "saw" Zack cuz you know it's true.Cait Sith: (flys down with angel wings and a halo) Cloud, Vincent is really ZAck..........Vincent: (mickey glare)Cait Sith: ZAck's brother so they coulden't have "seen" each other.Cloud: Really? Cool! Hey whatsa reunion?Cait Sith: Where two guys reunite with each other.Vincent: (surpresses laughter)CLoud: (has a dumb expression) I don't get it. **nothing**Cait Sith: (flys away and Reeve topples out of it's zipper, bound and gagged by the author)CLoud: hey Vincent, what should we do with Reeve? (sly expression)Vincent: No, CLoud. We're in a fanfic right now so we need to get working on the beginning, middle, and end. This is NOT going to be one of those with no plot and all sex. **damn it! why did I have to say that**Cloud: Well what should this be about?Reeve: (snarks away making that weird scooting noise)Vincent: Well, look at the Title. It says "The Great ex-SOLDIER"Cloud: Well I guess this fanfic is our adventures going around the world trying to find an ex-SOLDIER, huh. i wish I knew an ex-SOLDier! I'd get his autograph and stuff! Maybe he could sign my buster sword! That didn't sound right.Vincent: (sweating) I think we should have a better plot of this fanfic. How about it's about you, since you're and ex-SOLDIER **NOT!!** and we both go around finding adventure, romance, (grabs Cloud and holds out his claw like a movie director) imagine it now, and epic tale about two young lovers **at least I LOOK young** defeating all odds and saving the world from some evil perverted guy using our own strength....and maybe some matiria.Cloud: (blinks stupidly and audibly) But didn't we already do that in Final Fantasy 7?Vincent: (falls over) **OH MY GOD! HE OUTSMARTED ME!!!! HOJO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BRAIN??!!!!** Okay, CLoud (silently stale) what do you think think it should be about?Cloud: Let's try to find the Jetsons!!! (smiling stupidly)Vincent: okaayyyyy, BUT you have to promise me something.Cloud: Promise, that sounds familiar..................**Tifa said sometime: Promise me someday you'll dress up like a hot dog. I'd like to expirience that at least once** Have you ever seen that hot dog car?Vincent: RANDOM!!!! Anyway promise me that once we find the jetsons, we can........y'know take a night off?Cloud: But what would we do on our night off?Vincent: (vains spring up from his forehead, even though it's covered by a headband)What we do every other night we have off.Cloud: (Let's Vincent's words sink into his brain) **Every noght off we play Star Wars monopoly computer version and then we......** OH yeah! Sure!!!!CHAPTER 2 Finding the JetsonsCloud and Vincent are in the highwind plotting a course.Vincent: Where should-Cloud: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (holds head)Vincent: Cloud! What's wrong? I though Sephiroth was gone!Cloud: I had to talk first. I got it from the Great Employer. Barret read it to me.Vincent: Don't you ever do that again, Mr. you had me worried sick!CLoud: Hey you sound like my mom who died in the flames in Nibleheim 5 years ago and I was there cuz I felt the intense heat of the flames but ZAck was there too and he waws the one in SOLDIER and I was just coming along and Tifa never saw me cause I kept my helmet on so nobody would know I wasn't in SOLDIER yet. But then I forgot And I thought I was were Zack was and me and ZAck did all the things me and you did but then he was shot by Shinra and died after we were test specimens in Hojo's weird lab.**were did that comefrom?**Vincent: Cloud!!!!! YOu remembered! Finally!!!!! After all these years.Cloud: (looks dazed) Who am I? Oh yeah, CLoud Strife, ex-SOLDIER. But what did I just say?Vincent: HOW MANY DIPS IN THE LIFESTREAM DO YOU NEED???????!!!!!!!!!!Cloud: Lifestream.....? **Ending movie**Vincent: Author, can you get this story moving please? I think all of the readers have had enough of CLoud's stupidness and irresponsible childish-Dyne: (flys down with angel wing and a halo and ponts to Cloud who is on the brink of tears. Then he drops a script and flys away)CLoud: sniff Sorry Vincent, I'll try not to act stupid anymore. And I'll just keep quiet and you can do all of the smart stuff. Vincent:Cloud..CLoud: I'm really sorry and I think I'm gonna go back to the house and leave you alone.(runs off)Vincent: AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now what am I supposrd to do?President Shinra: (flys down with angel wings and a halo) How is the author supposed to know?Vincent: (holds gun to head) Okay author, I'm going to kill myself, that includes Zack unless you tell me how to make Cloud come back and forgive me.President Shinra: DIdn't you read the script that DYne left?Vincent: (picks up script and reads it) THIS IS THE SCRIPT TO A TELETUBIES SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (puts gun to head) I'm going to in 5....4....3...2.....1....(shoots gun and the number 2543 appears abouve his head.)Shit! I didn't die!President Shinra: Sing him a love song. (flys away)Vincent: Fine. **I don't know any love songs!!!!** (Runs to the authors house and grabs the blink 182 booklet) I'll just have to use this. (runs back to CLoud)Cloud: (looks up, tears are streaming down his face) Vincent..?Vincent: Cloud I really didn't mean it. ANd to apologise, I wrote this song for you. **even though I didn't**(singing)Hanging out behind the waterfall on the weekendActing stupid, getting drunk with my best friends (cloud)I coulden't wait for the summer and the Warped TourI remember it's the first time that I saw him there.He got kicked out of SOLDIER because he's quittingI'm kinda nervous 'cause I think all his friends hate meHe's the one he'll always be thereHe took my claw and that made it I swearBecause I fell in love with CLoud at the Rock showHe said "AAAAAAHHHHHHH" and I told him Sephiroth didn't knowHe's so cool, I'm gonna sneak in through his windowEverythings better when he's around,Can't wait till Tifa goes out of townI fell in love with CLoud at the rock show.When we said we were gonna move to this waterfallI remember the look Tifa gave us two guys with a strage purpose and directionWe don't owe anyone a fucking explinationI fell in love with CLoud at the rock showHe said "AAAAAAHHHHHHH" and I told him Sephiroth didn't knowHe's so cool, I'm gonna sneak in through his windowEverythings better when he's around,Can't wait till Tifa goes out of townI fell in love with CLoud at the rock showSmoochies¨ picture of him on my wallI waited for his callHe always forgot I was waitingAnd If I ever got another chanceI'd still ask him to danceBecause he forgot I was waitingI fell in love with CLoud at the rock showHe said "AAAAAAHHHHHHH" and I told him Sephiroth didn't knowHe's so cool, I'm gonna sneak in through his windowEverythings better when he's around,Can't wait till Tifa goes out of townI fell in love with CLoud at the rock showWith CLoud at the Rock showI'll never forget tonight(Even though YOU might)Cloud: (wipes tears away) OH Vincent! (hugs Vincent happily)Vincent: (looks at the camera even though there isn't one and winks) CLoud, I love you.How about this fanfic can just ba about us and no Jetsons.CLoud: Oh but what about the scooby gang? THey NEED to be in all of these formatted fanfics for added randoms.Vincent: How about we do something more original. We'll have a game show called "Who Want to be a gilionair?!! ANd YOU can be the host.Cloud: OH Vincent, you're so smart, and nice. can I call you val?Vincent: OKay, Striffy.Cloud: (silently stale at his most hated nickname)CHAPTER 3 Who wants to be a gillionair??!!!!!!Cloud: I'm the host of Who Wants To Be A Gillionair!!!!!!!Our contestants for tonight are:Cid Highwind from Rocket Town (FF7)Regent Cid from that big castle place (FF9)President of the Garden Cid from the Garden (FF8)Professor Cid from Gea (the movie)Vincent Valentine from somewhereSephiroth from NiblehiemandAeris reincarnated from the lifestreamNow for our fastest finger question:Order These magic spells from best to least:FireFire 2Fire 3And go!!!!(All of the contestant franticly push buttons)CLoud: And the winner is..........OH it's a tie between all of the FF7 people because that's a REALLY easy question for them!!!!!NOw for the tie-breaker I will pick the person I like the most.Vincent come on up!!!!!!!!!Cid and Aeris: **Not a suprise**Vincent: (Comes up to the chairs) I know all of the rules.Cloud: BUt hese rules are different. The lifelines are:Limit break.....see if while doing your limit, you are smarterPHS.............phone a friend to take your place in the chair for that question50/50...........You're HP is randomly reduced to 50/50 for that question which dosen't matterVincent: okay I've got it.CLoud: Now for the first question:Which one of these people has purple bloodA: Ramsa B: PiccoloC: Kuja D: Kermit the FrogVincent: Hey that's a trick question, two of those people have purple blood!CLoud: (looks at answers) oops! You have to chose at least on of them.Vincent: okay Kuja, final answer.CLoud:RIGHT!!!!! YOu have 100 GP which you can trade in for 1 million gil at Gold Saucer!!!!!Vincent: uhhhh does that mean I won?Cloud: yup!! Congradulations, Val. Next up is.........**who do I like better Cid, Sephiroth or Aeris**Vincent: PIck Cid!!!! (hearts in his eyes)CLoud: (mickey Glare)Vincent: Just kidding! ^_^CLoud: Aeris come on up!!!, Vincent...ummm...sit here with me.VIincent: **CLoud rulz!!!** (Sits on the same chair as CLoud, they become tightly mashed together but they don't mind)Aeris: (comes up) Thank you, Cloud.CLoud and your first question is:How many butt-cheeks does Jenova Synthesis have?A: 5B: 17C: 4D: 2Aeris: How am I supposed to know, I was dead during that battle.CLoud: BUt I thought you were watching over us! (about to cry again)Aeris: I was ummm preparing a spot in the Lifestream for Sephiroth because you were obvioulsy going to kill him.Cloud: oh. WEll you can use a lifeline.Aeris: I think I'll use PHSCloud: Okay who do you want to answer that for you?Aeris: JenovaCLoud: Okay Jenova, teleport here please.Jenova: (lands on Aeris, squashing her like a bug but that doesn't matter cuz CLoud always keeps phinox down with him, just in case Aeris dies.) The answer is "I'm not gonna tell cuz you people are meanies. (teleports away)Aeris: (is revived by Cloud) WHy coulden't you have done that last time?Cloud: (shrugs) Hey! You got the question wrong. Jenova has 4 butt-cheeks! Sorry, you didn't win.Aeris: (Is dragged off by Security peoples) NO FAIR!!!!! MY FLOWERS WILL MUTATE AND KILL YOU SOMEDAY!!!!!!!!Cloud: Sephiroth, you're next. (looks at Vincent, who had been staring at him the whole time he had been sitting there.) Hiya, val!Vincent: Hiya Strife. (Kisses him)Sephiroth: eh hem!CLoud: whoops (pushes Vincent away) You're first question is:What are you?A: A Cetra B: An AlienC: A labratory expiriment D: A cup of puddingSephiroth: (Takes out sword and starts slicing the desk thing) Was I created the same way? Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away franticly calling for his mommy)CLoud: Well, can anyone else answer that question?Hojo: (Comes out of the crowd) I can.Vincent: YOU!! (eyes are full of anger and hatred. transforms into chaos and kills hojo)Cloud: oh man! Why'd I have to go and set his limit break. I'll never see Hellmasker again. **Even though I can reset it**Vincent: (Doesn't change back and kills everyone in the set except Cloud) RRRAAAWWWRRR!!!!!!!! (changes back)CLoud: (giggles) Got a little carried away I see.Vincent: (Mickey Glare) Cloud: YOU wanna avenge LUcrica!!! Vincent luvs Lucrica Vincent luvs lucrica!! (parades around the room that suddenly got full again of a crowd) Vincent and Lucrica sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! FIrst comes love, then comes marrage, then comes a baby in a baby carrage!!!!!!!Vincent: (runs after cloud) Cloud and Tifa sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marrage, then comes a baby ina baby carrage!!!Cloud: (runs around in circles) Vincent and Cid sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marrage, then comes a baby in a baby carrage.Vincent: (get's really mad about that last one) Cloud and Sephy sitting in a tree....CLoud: (stops running)Vincent: K-I-S-S-I-N-G.....CLoud: **Sephiroth?! He's still here? I can here him laughing! "HA HA HA of course I'm still here, idiot!---Jenova**Vincent: First comes love, then comes marrage.....Cloud: (Grabs head and fall sto the floor) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Vincent: SHIT!!!!! (runs over to Cloud) CLoud, What's wrong?CLoud: **Sephiroth and his gang of angry pothead muppets are coming after you CLoud. Sephiroth wants YOU and he will eliminate all that stand in his way, Including VIncent.--Jenova** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! POTHEAD MUPPETS!!!!!!!! VINCENT GO ON WITHOUT ME, SAVE YOURSELF, IT'S ME THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Vincent: Oh no, not again. **(remembers time when Cloud did the same thing with ZAck in Onmislash)** CLoud! (grabs his shoulders) It's not true, it's just Jenova trying to scare you.Cloud: (stops screaming and gets up, his eyes glowing a different glow filled with hatred and lust) Yes I've done it! Finally after all these years!!!!!!Vincnet: uhhhhh, Coud?CLoud: Move out of my way, old crusty specimen. I'm going back to my planet. JENOVA PHONE HOME!!!! JENOVA PHONE HOME!!!!!Vincent: (truns to the audience) Okay everybody, If you don't understand what just happened, jenova finally took control of CLouds mind, and it's probably gonna force Cid to make it a new rocket and it will fly home in Cloud's much better body. Author, what should I do?Don Cornero: (Flys down with sngel wings a nd a halo) The author has no idea.VIncent: (strangles Don) Well make the author come over here and think of some idea!!!Don Conero: (flys away)Anneka: (Comes down in a stream of light like in legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time) I am the author and I think that you should snap CLoud out of it by doing what CLoud likes to do the most with him, scaring Jenova away.Vincent: Brilliant!!! But...how?Anneka: Dress up as someone Jenova likes and in the middle of it, take off you're disguise.VIncent: Hey Jenova Strife! Who do you like?CLoud: I like Tifa! She's sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!Vincent: OHHHH NOOOOOO!!!! (2-D skeleton tone)Anneka: Time for a trip to Wallmarket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CHAPTER 4 Vincent crossdessing excursionVincent: (dressed up like tifa) I've helped people with digestive problems, spied on someone's business, given some drunk guy inspiration, won a squatting contest, AND gone into the Honey Bee inn! And for what? DRESSING UP LIKE TIFA!!!!! (shudders and looks down at himself, a perfect replica of Tifa including inflatables)Anneka: Cloud did the same thing and he was only level 12 at the time!! Look how lucky you are! YOu started off level 40 or whatever!!!!Vincent: That was after a LONG sleep.Anneka: doen't countVincent: Stale okay lets go help CLoud!!!!Anneka: Instant transmission! (holds Vincent's hand and puts her fingers to her forehead and they both dissapear and reappear where Cloud/Jenova is. wherever that may be, use your imagination. IT could be Gold Saucer for all I care)Cloud: NOt you two again. Wait actually it's not you two, it's the author and Tifa!!!! (hearts appear in his/her eyes)Anneka: I'll leave you two alone. (transmissions away)Vincent: uhh, hi CLoud/Jenova!CLoud: Please, Call me Jenova.Vincent: Okay Jenova, hey how about we uhhhhh take this night off.CLoud: YOu bet!!!!!! (clings onto Vincent's shoulder)Vincent: **I like being with CLoud, but being with JENOVA in Cloud????**Anneka: Well Cloud/Jenova and Vincent did what Hitaru and Rini did except with Jenova running away in the middle and Vincent revealing his true identity. ih yeah, an dmore gusto and less minis and gracefulls.CLoud: (on top of Vincent) Thank you. (kisses him)Vincent: YOu're welcome. (kisses back) (Talks to all readers and for somereason CLoud can't hear) It's all in a days work for the Great ex-SOLDIER!!!!! ^_~ (Is Zack also in case you didn't figure that out allready)THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
